RT-Sherlock-excerpt
S H E R L O C K
RT FROM Sherlock(see in IMDb, Wikipedia, BBC, BILIBILI)
The sign of three
SHERLOCK (at the reception): … murder.
(John sighs and lowers his head, while Mary frowns.)
SHERLOCK: Sorry, did I say ‘murder’? I meant to say ‘marriage’ – but, you know, they’re quite similar procedures when you think about it. The participants tend to know each other, and it’s over when one of them’s dead.
The Best Man’s Speech
(He looks up at the guests again, then turns to John.)
SHERLOCK: I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you.
(Mary looks surprised and John looks up at him.)
SHERLOCK (looking at the guests): All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world.
(The guests begin to look uncomfortable and some of them start murmuring quietly to each other. Greg and Molly look at Sherlock in horror.)
SHERLOCK: Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species.
(The guests stare at him. Sherlock pauses for a moment.)
SHERLOCK: But anyway … (he looks down at his cards) … let’s talk about John.
JOHN (quietly): Please.
SHERLOCK (looking up again): If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me.
(Greg laughs silently.)
SHERLOCK: Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
(John sighs heavily, while Mary frowns.)
SHERLOCK: It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel.
(Janine stares up at him and the other two bridesmaids look uncomfortable.)
SHERLOCK (moving on to his next card): … and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation …
(The vicar smiles.)
SHERLOCK: … or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
(Mary face-palms and John is half-hiding behind his clasped hands. The vicar looks at Sherlock grimly, and more guests are muttering amongst themselves. Sherlock pauses for a moment.)
SHERLOCK: The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet.
(He looks at the vicar.)
SHERLOCK: I am dismissive of the virtuous …
(He turns to Janine.)
SHERLOCK: … unaware of the beautiful …
(He turns towards Mary and John.)
SHERLOCK: … and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend.
(The guests have fallen silent again and are listening intently. Molly and Greg exchange a long glance.)
SHERLOCK: Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
(Mary smiles proudly at her husband. Several of the guests make appreciative “aww” sounds.)
SHERLOCK: John, I am a ridiculous man …
(John smiles and nods his agreement.)
SHERLOCK: … redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.
(He looks down for a moment, then smiles a little.)
SHERLOCK: Actually, now I can.
(The guests murmur again, but now their tone is much more approving. John and Mary smile.)
SHERLOCK: Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss … (he leans closer to John) … so sorry again about that last one … (he straightens up again) … so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
(Mrs Hudson whimpers and holds a tissue to her nose. Molly wipes tears from her eyes with her serviette. Other guests – even some of the men – sniffle. John turns to Mary and whispers to her.)
JOHN: If I try and hug him, stop me.
MARY: Certainly not.
(She pats his arm. Sherlock moves on to his next card.)
SHERLOCK: Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John …
(He trails off as he looks up and sees so many of the guests crying.)
SHERLOCK (quick fire): What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?
(Molly smiles proudly at him.)
MRS HUDSON (tearfully): Oh, Sherlock!
(Sherlock looks down at John.)
SHERLOCK: Did I do it wrong?
JOHN (standing up): No, you didn’t. Come here.
(He pulls him into a tight hug. The guests break into applause. The fandom goes crazy.)
SHERLOCK: I haven’t finished yet.
JOHN: Yeah, I know, I know.
His Last Vow
LADY SMALLWOOD: Your hand is sweating.
MAGNUSSEN: Always, I’m afraid. I have a condition.
LADY SMALLWOOD: It’s disgusting.
MAGNUSSEN: Ah, I’m used to it. (He strokes his finger across the top of her hand.) The whole world is wet to my touch.